Telling the story I needed to hear 3 years ago.
Why I've taken another step forwards in personal transparency.
Last night, I shared a post on my personal Facebook page. In it, I included a brief summary of my compulsive gambling to friends and family, with a link to this page.
I had never really intended to do this. Heck, even up to 2 years or so ago, I couldn’t even tell some close family and friends about this. It’s also not something I necessarily recommend that you do either - there’s a time and place for transparency - and who knows? The chance that I’ve divulged this information too soon is a strong possibility. Like I do in all my posts, I must remind you yet again that the only thing I am a professional in, is compulsive gambling. Unfortunately, the average wage for this position leaves much to be desired...
It may seem funny to say this all, considering I’ve now almost 400 subscribers here on Substack - of which I assume half to be real - but it’s the nature of shame. It’s far easier to share with you, someone that I don’t have to interact with on a daily or weekly basis, as opposed to someone I may run into in my social life; this is merely common sense. And yet, something clicked for me on Friday that made me drastically reconsider my stance on higher levels of transparency.
When I was at the peak of my gambling, I really struggled with the fact that those sharing about their journey into recovery were all quite old; middle-aged and upwards. Apologies to my middle-aged readers. There were no young people talking about Gambling Addiction/Recovery; or if there were, they weren’t on my radar.
Addiction is an incredibly lonely disease, and Gambling - in my opinion - is probably the loneliest sub-category there is. The shame surrounding my actions and problem was so high that I would so often do it from the safety of my bedroom, hiding away from the world. So when I was at rock bottom, and seeking advice, it was always given to me by someone older. Ignoring the - albeit amazing - professionals in my life, even the podcasts of people sharing their stories were full of people way out of my age bracket.
As somebody who already felt disgusted in myself and drastically alone, it simply wasn’t helpful. Plus, not only were these people older, but so many of them had been gamble free for decades! As somebody who didn’t understand recovery at the time, I looked at them with a mindset of disbelief when it came to their ability to understand my problems.
What I really wanted was somebody my age, sharing about their experiences for me to read and find comfort and hope in, whilst I was stuck at rock bottom.
Which is what hit me on Friday - that perhaps, I should be the person in my social circles who steps up and starts sharing.
This is not to elevate myself on a pedestal in any way, shape or form. I am still learning, and will forever be; I never want you to think that my writing here places me above you. What I can’t ignore, however, is the severity of my addiction, and the depths of my lows associated with that.
So here I am! Taking another step forwards, in an attempt to be the person I needed even just a few years ago. It’s not easy to do, and such is the nature of continuous learning/growth that I may regret baring so much, so early.
Yet I’d truly like to believe that should my story help even just one person feel a little less alone in their personal depths; then it makes everything I’ve gone through worth it.
Love.
Day 597. One Day at a Time.
All of my content will forever remain free, as to be accessible for those who need it most. If you can afford to support my writing financially, either with a paid subscription on Substack or through my Buy Me a Coffee page, that would be amazing!
Thank you to those who have and continue to support me :)
I so understand this. That's why I write as well.
What I really wanted was somebody my age, sharing about their experiences for me to read and find comfort and hope in, whilst I was stuck at rock bottom. Very well put
Sean, you are precious, and I know in my soul, you have helped many addicts with your story. Some may not even reach out and comment, but they are there. Believe me. You are touching many lives with your honest recounting. Love you my friend!