Thank you for your deep and sincere honesty. This is the work I’m doing too. I think there’s something so profound about just taking it in -realizing that you really are delighted in and loved for who you are. Why is it so hard to take this in? I am working on amplifying, inside myself, the way people love me and really letting myself feel it, really allowing it to penetrate.
Thanks for your comment Christine :) Honestly, it's taken me many years to get to this point - I'd argue that I was working on it during my active addiction. And, also that I'm not even at a point of fully believing it now! I think it is a case of doing as you said you are - simply soaking in the truth and hoping it, eventually, sinks in.
I just wanted to say — I truly love your writing. It feels so human, so honest, especially in the way you explore the desire for like aka love. There’s something deeply moving in that vulnerability.
It made me think: maybe the most tender place to begin is with ourselves — to turn inward and reflect on how we love ourselves, before we seek that love from others.
What if we started asking ourselves, like a mirror held gently to our heart:
What have I done today — or this week — that I’m genuinely proud of?
What’s one small thing I could do just for me — not because someone else wants it, but because I do?
And how can I express love to myself in a way that feels real, not in the way the world tells me I should?
It’s a quiet kind of self-connection. But I think that’s where the truest love grows — in the soft, unspoken moments we choose ourselves.
Oh, the need to be liked, to be accepted. Feeling fundamentally wrong and broken and freakish as a child and teenager, always waiting for someone to notice and denounce you, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Then alcohol, that friend who never abandons you, there night after night stopping you from having to face your lonely, defective self. Is it the same with gambling I wonder, something to distract you from yourself?
I related to the "class clown" behaviour. When we immigrated to South Africa I moved schools 5 times in two years. I couldn't find my feet and fit in so I opted to "standout" and get attention by being outrageous instead. We are wired to belong so not feeling seen leaves a deep wound and is not a personality dysfunction.
Yeah I struggled with it big time! I found the work too easy - not a boast, just honesty - and my teachers (up until year 7) never set me extra work. I partially blame that, and I feel justified in it
ADHD? This definitely contributed to my more destructive behaviours and attention seeking. The need for stimulation and distraction is real and possibly overlooked in addiction behaviour.
Thank you for your deep and sincere honesty. This is the work I’m doing too. I think there’s something so profound about just taking it in -realizing that you really are delighted in and loved for who you are. Why is it so hard to take this in? I am working on amplifying, inside myself, the way people love me and really letting myself feel it, really allowing it to penetrate.
Thanks for your comment Christine :) Honestly, it's taken me many years to get to this point - I'd argue that I was working on it during my active addiction. And, also that I'm not even at a point of fully believing it now! I think it is a case of doing as you said you are - simply soaking in the truth and hoping it, eventually, sinks in.
This is a really brilliant piece of writing, mate! So introspective and raw. I can relate to so much of it, too. Thanks for sharing it.
Ed! Love you mate :) Thanks for letting me know - I'm glad (and, sad) that you were able to relate :)
Love you mate! Keep smashing it:)
I just wanted to say — I truly love your writing. It feels so human, so honest, especially in the way you explore the desire for like aka love. There’s something deeply moving in that vulnerability.
It made me think: maybe the most tender place to begin is with ourselves — to turn inward and reflect on how we love ourselves, before we seek that love from others.
What if we started asking ourselves, like a mirror held gently to our heart:
What have I done today — or this week — that I’m genuinely proud of?
What’s one small thing I could do just for me — not because someone else wants it, but because I do?
And how can I express love to myself in a way that feels real, not in the way the world tells me I should?
It’s a quiet kind of self-connection. But I think that’s where the truest love grows — in the soft, unspoken moments we choose ourselves.
Truest | Arathee aka CelestYan
❤️❤️ love it
Oh, the need to be liked, to be accepted. Feeling fundamentally wrong and broken and freakish as a child and teenager, always waiting for someone to notice and denounce you, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Then alcohol, that friend who never abandons you, there night after night stopping you from having to face your lonely, defective self. Is it the same with gambling I wonder, something to distract you from yourself?
Yep - though at the same time as a teen I felt TOO noticed (thanks anxiety).
Yep, gambling was my 'solution' to the absolute mess that was going on in my brain at the time.
Thank you for being unapologetically honest about your road to recovery Sean! I love you!
Love you Rea!! You're a beacon when it comes to sharing so openly! :) I appreciate you
Thank you for the courage this must have taken to unravel and write.
Thank you Terry - and thanks for reading 🙂 it makes writing it feel a lot more worthwhile 🙂
I related to the "class clown" behaviour. When we immigrated to South Africa I moved schools 5 times in two years. I couldn't find my feet and fit in so I opted to "standout" and get attention by being outrageous instead. We are wired to belong so not feeling seen leaves a deep wound and is not a personality dysfunction.
Yeah I struggled with it big time! I found the work too easy - not a boast, just honesty - and my teachers (up until year 7) never set me extra work. I partially blame that, and I feel justified in it
ADHD? This definitely contributed to my more destructive behaviours and attention seeking. The need for stimulation and distraction is real and possibly overlooked in addiction behaviour.
Yep - but late diagnosis, inattentive