There's a trampoline at rock bottom.
Why even my healthiest coping mechanisms prevented me from entering into Recovery.
As is becoming routine, I’ll start this post with a quick disclaimer. I am not a professional mental health professional in any way, shape or form. I’m not even able to write this article from a place of superiority either - everything you’re about to read is merely what I feel might be helpful for both of us to reflect on in our journeys. It should be taken with an unholy amount of salted grains.
Rock Bottom wasn’t a once off.
I can’t remember the first time I hit rock bottom. To be quite frank with you - I can’t really remember the last time I did either. What I can remember, however, is being there multiple times; each with varying levels of intensity.
I always imagined that hitting rock bottom during my gambling addiction would be a once off; that I would slam into it hard enough to rewire my brain and free me from the mental cycle I was looped in. In a way, this wasn’t entirely untrue, as each time I hit was key to my eventual recovery.
Reflecting on it today, however, I feel rock bottom is best likened to a grave with a trampoline at it’s base.
The Grave.
Not a stagnant, once-dug pit, but rather a constantly evolving environment where one is able to keep trimming the fat that surrounds their personality traits. I don’t believe you have to die to yourself at rock bottom; but components of you do.
Pruning a tree to help it grow seems pretty counter-intuitive for the inexperienced gardener. Similarly, it seems a bit odd to allow for growth at the bottom of a ‘hole’ we might find ourselves in at various stages of life.
For my personal recovery to really begin, my ego and pride needed to die; what remained of them anyways. I needed to bury the shame that prevented me from reaching out to certain figures in my life that could actually step in and forcefully help me. These, of course, were all things that needed to happen in the short-term.
Looking longer-term, however, I needed to identify why I was so deep in the first place. Of course the obvious answer to this is gambling, but deeper than that. Why had my life become something that I had felt I needed to solve? Gambling was merely a coping mechanism that I was relying on to get me through each day; and, whilst it was clearly the largest by a clear margin — it wasn’t the only one.
The Trampoline.
Extrapolating on the idea of rock bottom being an ever-evolving ‘location’; I believe each has a collection of coping mechanisms at the base. These form a trampoline. When we slam into rock bottom, they help us to immediately bounce. Not very high, but just enough to keep us above the absolute depths. Coping mechanisms are not all negatives, and some are very important in our growth! But, healthy or not, the bring us just out of the complete depths of our rock bottoms.
You would imagine that reaching rock bottom would instantly allows for an individual to improve. As is the nature of the ‘bottom’ — there’s not other direction you can go but up, right?
Not quite. There is the option of lateral movement, where one might push on moving forwards whilst not improving. This is necessary, to an extent; for how else would I have ever gotten out of bed during my personal lows? It is not sustainable, though; not in my experience anyways.
The third option is a form of static movement, which I believe is key. A healthy form of temporary-stagnation, if you will. Sitting at the bottom of that pit; in the midst of the pain and destruction of your actions, and just feeling it all. Now don’t get me wrong - this is not something I recommend doing on your first time at life’s lows. Nor do I think it’s safe to do without seeking guidance and help from a qualified therapist.
It’s also very, very important for me to note that I still struggle to do this; so, like you should with anything you read, take this advice with a pillar of salt.
The only real alternative to sitting in these emotions, and first learning why they’re present, is avoidance. This in itself is not unhealthy! For some, it might look like curling up under their doona and watching a movie; for others — a big gym session.
For me, however, my go-to avoidance tactic was gambling. The irony of believing that the very thing which had put me so low would be the thing that would rescue me is palpable, don’t think I can’t see that. But it’s the nature of the beast — when I was gambling, I felt “good”. It allowed me to completely disassociate from the real world; immersing myself so deeply that I didn’t have to acknowledge how dire my mental health was, nor the financial situation I was placing myself in.
This is why I place a trampoline at rock’s metaphorical bottom; a physical embodiment of all of a person's coping mechanisms. Each time I would slam into the pit; I would immediately ‘bounce’. It wasn’t very high, but it was detrimental to my progression, as it kept me JUST safe enough to quickly forget just how low my rock bottoms were getting. They allowed me to continue to joke and pull apart my deepest pains and fears in front of my peers, as I wasn't able to fully connect with the realities of just how serious these things were.
I’m a hypocrite, but a self-aware one.
I’d be lying if I said that gambling was my only negative coping mechanism. For a long time, I lifted weights pretty obsessively. I tried to immerse myself in team sports. In time, alcohol wormed it’s way into my life too.
I was essentially trying to do everything I could to avoid sitting in my emotions. Which is fair, these were pretty extreme for a while there. It’s incredibly hard, and I really want to stress to you that just because I’m writing to you telling you why you should do it, doesn’t mean I’ve ever been able to do it well. I don’t mean to be hypocritical; these writings are simply as important for me to read as they are for you.
I’m currently working the 12-Steps with my sponsor, and we’re at Step 4:
“Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.”
We’ve been at this step for roughly 3-months, largely due to my procrastination (which honestly is the reason I first became so active on this platform in the first place...). I haven’t even progressed past the very first stage of the step; listing those I hold resentments against, and what those resentments are.
I realised this week why this is so hard for me to do. In part, it’s because the idea of this is very counter to what I learnt in my years of therapy — where it was more a case of “OK, well irrespective of how we feel people have wronged us in the past, how can we move forwards?”.
Mainly, however, I’m scared of the resentments that I hold because I know that I am going to be at the very top of that list. There’s a very large part of my brain that truly hates who I became, as well as the opportunities I missed in time spent gambling. It’s healthy not to dwell on this, absolutely — but that’s not truly possible until I acknowledge that they exist.
There will inherently be other very difficult truths that I expose/dig up in this step, so it won’t be an exercise of complete demolition of self. And with this struggle will be my my brain suggesting a myriad of coping mechanisms to get me by or procrastinate further with.
Which is where it will be important for me to continue striving to be as honest as possible with my support network, and ultimately, honest with myself about.
What are your ‘Trampolines’?
As I’ve pointed out, gambling wasn’t my only ‘trampoline’. And not all of my coping mechanisms where inherently unhealthy in and of themselves. It was instead how I used them - to avoid introspection in the midst of my rock bottoms - that made them bad.
If I could encourage you to reflect on anything after reading this, it’s what your trampoline might be made of. What do you use, whether by choice or not, to keep you afloat when shit really hits the fan. Not necessarily in the natural low points of life, either. I’m talking about the darkest nights, the pits dug only by the most severe of shovels.
Which, of course, means that this call to action might not apply to you! If this is you, trust me when I say that you are not missing out. Life is life, though, and with that comes seasons of change; I hope this message can remain with you if/when that occurs.
If it is relatable though, it has been key for me to identify what is allowing me to bounce just out of rock bottom, and then trying to eliminate them (‘try to’ being the key phrase here). I shouldn’t write this in the past tense either; it is an ongoing battle for me.
What’s stopping you from sitting in the pit and allowing yourself to feel and identify the source of these emotions? And furthermore, how can you healthily and safely do this — i.e. is it something you feel you should broach with your Psychologist? Or is it something you can chat to a friend about over coffee?
Again, I know it sounds backwards to sit in an emotional hole for any period of time. I’m not saying you shouldn’t progress. I’m simply saying that for me — my trampoline only bounced me just high enough, for just long enough, to keep me from even identifying what really needed to be worked on.
Just as progress isn’t always linear, the way out of the ‘hole’ isn’t always up.
The real work starts at rock bottom.
Sean.
Day 583. One Day at a Time.
If you’ve found this helpful - and can afford it - I’d love to have your support! You can do this by becoming a paid subscriber here on Substack, or via a one off donation to my Buy Me a Coffee page.
Otherwise, no stress at all. :) Thanks for reading!
Wow thank you for sharing Sean, a beautiful piece. I think it’s rad that you’re sharing your experience in such a raw and open way to positively help others 💫
Your writing is so heartfelt and fresh, Sean. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and open. Thanks for sharing!