None of my gambling addiction was your fault.
An open letter to loved ones.
Since opening up to friends and family about my time in gambling addiction, there has been common dread voiced to me. Whilst differing between those who have reached out to me, the over-arching message has essentially been the same.
“When you spoke to me about [that thing], was it a cry for help? If so, I’m really sorry that I missed it.”
My genuine response, of course, is absolutely not. Though I can understand why they’re concerned. It’s taken me many years to realise the seriousness of the things I did during my many years of active gambling.
To my loved ones.
None of my gambling was anyone else’s fault; especially not yours.
There was absolutely nothing that you could have said to me that would have made me gamble more than I already was. Likewise, there was not a single conversation, sentence, or piece of good-willed advice that would have made me stop.
If I were to relapse today, nobody would be at fault except for me. Every decision I make, every choice I have ever made, is entirely on me. Yes, your help today is invaluable. Your forgiveness for the ways I may have treated you during my addiction - either directly or indirectly - is all but imperative.
But, the fact of the matter remains; I continually chose to keep gambling.
Not consciously, perhaps. I was - by definition of addiction - trapped in a very vicious and destructive cycle of self-hate, anxiety, depression, and complete dependence. I can recognise this today, and - whilst not at a point of complete self-forgiveness - I don’t sit and dwell on these poor choices I made.
I know now that for a substantial amount time, I was powerless over gambling.
I want you to truly understand this, too. For if we don’t - if you or I think that a solitary moment or singular decision was the reason I fell and hit rock bottom - then we risk blaming ourselves unfairly.
There was absolutely nothing that you could have said to me that would have made me gamble more than I already was. Likewise, there was not a single conversation, sentence, or piece of good-willed advice that would have made me stop.
I am, in a way, glad that I lost everything. Grateful to have hit the lows I did. I know this won’t make much sense to many of you, but just know it is - in my opinion - a very healthy reflection on my journey. Each low forced me to seek a new level of help; from a gambling therapist, to Psychiatrists, to a Dayhab course. Then, finally, into G.A. and in sobriety, hospitalisation.
I can say this with complete honesty - I would not have achieved 624 gamble-free days had I not travelled along the road that I did.
My journey’s details are not ideal, no. It is unfortunate that levels of such pain and isolation had to be felt for me to learn what I did. The point remains though - I learnt.
Do not misconstrue my reflections on this, either. I do not, in any way, believe that the way I went about things should be glorified. They should not be taken as Gospel, nor looked upon as the only way to do things. By not sharing with you - my loved ones - earlier, I did nothing but prolong my recovery.
My main message around opening up to others has always been that this is the best way to go about things. Not all at once, no - and probably not without the guidance of a trusted mental health professional (to a degree). Perhaps, starting in the rooms of a 12-step program like Gambler’s Anonymous is the best way forwards for you.
Everybody’s healing is different, sure, but to try doing it alone is to let your shame drown out the many voices which have tried this route, and found naught but pain.
Healing is found in community.
I am so incredibly grateful today for the support from all loved ones. Your kind words and well-wishes for my journey through recovery and abstinence so far mean the world to me.
This post is not to diminish any of that.
It is simply to say that none of this was your fault; there was nothing you could have done or said earlier to help me any more than you already have.
Love, Sean x
Day 624.
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Just getting started. Thanks.
A really well written and thought out message to those surrounding you.
Whilst you may not entirely forgive yourself yet, it’s really important to keep moving forward with your progression mate. Forgiveness to yourself will come at the right time but don’t berate yourself either… sometimes it’s easy to forget how far you have come.
Not only that, but to be humble enough to publicly apologise meaningfully to those around you is a big deal.
Wishing you all the best as always during this recovery period and beyond! 🤝